THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2003

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [now that's taking things a a bit too far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [ what a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death [good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [might work better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [you think?!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [they may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what comes from eating all those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken!]

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy [That was really giving of himself!]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Texas Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is...

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead [I certainly hope so!]